dad

just something that’s been in my head all day.
hasn’t been the best day mentally, but here’s to hoping tomorrow is better. it will be. it has to be.

just miss my dad really. it’s been a month or two since i blocked him completely. all he would ever do is message me with bad news or just to remind us he didn’t forget a birthday or holiday.

i just miss him so much. and i don’t know why. i wasn’t ever his favorite. but for some reason i really only hang on to the good memories i have with him.

hunting with him. i had this strange love/hate relationship with hunting, because while i had to get up extremely early on a saturday, i got mcdonalds breakfast courtesy of my father. once we would get settled into the ground blind/tree stand/whatever it was (one time i remember just sitting underneath a tree with just a strip of clearing ahead of us), i always appreciated the serenity of being in the middle of the woods with just my dad, listening for every twig break, watching for any leaves rustle. sometimes he would give me his cell phone if we were out for a while and he always had one or two games on it for me to play. there were a lot of great lessons taught by my father in the woods; having respect for the animals we hunted, making clean and efficient shots that wouldn’t cause harm, patience. and obviously, a love for nature and the silence it brings. i never liked actually killing the animals, nor will i ever forget when my dad cleaned a deer he had killed while out on one of our hunts.

i remember he used to help me practice for soccer. he never really understood the sport i don’t think, but i’ll never forget the summers he took an old tire and tied straps around it in a way that i could hook it to myself. he showed me and pointed towards the slanted field next to our house at the time, and off i went. up and down, down and back up, over and over and over and over. and he sat there by his shed and watched. and when i’d slow down he would yell. my dad never let me quit or give up, at least not easily. it was something small, but it meant so much to me.

i could sit here and go on for hours. riding four wheelers, coaching my basketball teams, listening to beastie boys and KISS on his burnt CDs (lol.)

i dunno, it felt good to type that out. i have been thinking about those things for a long time now. miss that guy so much. i dont think he really misses me though. oh well.