oh man it has been QUITE a while since i have seen this great expanse of blank area just waiting for me to write. it’s a daunting task, more than i ever thought as time goes on. i have been so mentally busy that it doesn’t ever really feel like there’s any “room” left for me to write. i think about writing all the time; sometimes when i’m at work ill just write down a couple of lines that i just cant stop repeating to myself.
it’s not to say that because i’m “mentally busy” that i’m necessarily anxious or unhappy. i’m quite happy, actually, with a lot of things and the way they’re going in my life. i am very grateful for those things. i have found the love of my life, and we are working on building a life together. we have a dog that i cherish like he was my own flesh and blood (i tell people he is my son. he is.) my family is healthy and happy, safe and sound, i have food in the fridge and the lights are on. my work career isn’t where i want it to be right now, and it’s put quite a damper on my mental outlook but i let my bad days get to me too easily; i’m my own worst enemy, 99.9% of the time. i’m gonna continue on with where i’m at anyways and see what happens.
i want to write so badly but i don’t think i’m any good at it anymore. i just kept putting it off, and i would get an idea and play with it and jot down notes wherever i was and they’d just be another page i’d turn when i got to work the next day. it’s honestly incredibly hard doing this right now. each sentence feels like i’m just spilling out, not even thinking about what key to hit. there are a couple of drafts that i have saved. i remember a good buddy of mine at my previous job saying that i had to stop posting that i would be writing soon because it looked like i never did anyways; he was not incorrect. so i stopped doing that too. i don’t think many people actually read my website, and that’s fine, that’s not why it’s here. it was just for me to keep all these writings here. i don’t know why i did it in the first place. in some ways, it feels like i was talking to myself. making a note for later.
and every time i came to check the site, whether it be to work on a draft or actually post something, just stare at the stats, or clear out bot comments, i would always see those skeletal posts. and it would just remind me that i wasn’t writing, and i hadn’t been on soon.
i think i’m just beating the hell out of myself. i have this expectation of myself to be some great everything and its not realistic in the slightest. im not really sure how to stop, because i’m afraid that if i don’t act this way i won’t get anything done. and i barely feel like im getting anything done as it is now. not really sure where any of this came from either.
i’m getting to my wits end on what i have left to say. it felt good to at least type and it is nice to see a chunk of text above me.
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sometimes writing 